Texting Eleanor

The first text I sent this morning:

"Good morning! I love you!!! Alice too!!!"

The second text I sent this morning:

"I saw a leaf that looked like a butt!"

Discovering Our True Laughs

Yesterday Eleanor told us about a technique for discovering one's true laugh. All you do is say the word "Ha" while someone pushes down on your chest. The pressure causes your true laugh to enter the material world.

Time to Walk the Dog

The girls very rarely walk the dog. Getting the girls to walk the dog is difficult. That the girls won't just grab the leash and the dog and go every day is annoying. Sunday morning I gave them a choice: take the dog for a walk in town or we are going to drive up into the hills (there are no mountains in Virginia) and take Pete for a hike. They chose the latter.

I love her more when she's an idiot

The washing machine at the house does not work well and when I am home on the weekends I take all the laundry to the laundromat and it's done in about one hour. This morning Eleanor accompanied me to the laundromat. Eleanor noticed Skycopter II after we moved the laundry from the washing machines to dryers. I would not give her any money so when we got home she raided her piggy bank. Eleanor vowed to fly Skycopter II when we returned. Upon our return idiocy ensued.

After wedging herself into Skycopter II, Eleanor deposited two quarters. Nothing happened. At that point Eleanor noticed that Skycopter II was not plugged into an outlet. After a huge laugh I dragged Eleanor and Skycopter II close enough to the wall to plug in Skycopter II. Nothing happened. Eleanor put her last two quarters in and nothing happened. We had a good laugh.

When she finally dislodged herself from Skycopter II, Eleanor grabbed one of the laundry baskets. Do you see how the sides of the blue table are raised. Instead of picking up her basket Eleanor slid it down the blue table. When the basket impacted the side of the table Eleanor slammed into the basket and fell to the ground laughing. Fortunately, she appears to have avoided injury. Unfortunately, I didn't have my camera out to document her defeat at the hands of physics.

Do you see how the door is labelled "PULL"? Eleanor walked past me to the door, did a 180, and leaned into the door to open it. After all, her hands were full. As I walked up to the door, Eleanor was really putting her back into it. "The sign says 'pull,' idiot." Both of us had a great, loud laugh. Once again I didn't document Eleanor's idiocy. Or did I?

This post is not about embarassing Eleanor. I am celebrating Eleanor and my relationship with her. When we don't take ourselves at all seriously we laugh. We laugh a lot. And I love her more.

Ants!

I noticed a group of ants moving a dead worm thing across the sidewalk yesterday. Everyone knows ants are strong but the coolest thing about this video is how coordinated the backwards-walking ants, the sideways-walking ants, the forward-walking ants are. Do you think that one ant was going to get called out for doing nothing but accompanying the meal? Why do you think those two ants broke off near the end of the video? Considering how fast they left the meal they obviously weren't tired. Ants are awesome.

Ever Had a Day Like This?

Have you ever woken up and realized that you have an overwhelming urge to listen to Nine Inch Nails' entire catalog and later when you take a break from work to go to the post office your boss spots you on the sidewalk and yells at you to get your attention so she can tell you that we won the thing the two of you have been working on but then she swears you to secrecy because she hasn't gotten official confirmation of the win and later in the morning this guy calls you back about the room he has available for rent in DC this fall and just before you hang up he asks "You're not a Trump supporter are you?" and while waiting to see your substitute therapist you get into a fun conversation with a complete stranger about whether stifling sneezes can result in your head exploding - she says science doesn't support that and you say it's clearly supported by science - and your substitute therapist notices you making banter and laughing with Ms. Sneezes Can't Hurt Me and then halfway through your hour your substitute therapist tells you "It sounds like you are falling out of love with your wife" and you realize her observation is liberating and right before you left work you get an email instructing you to move your stuff from your awesome well-lit office to this dark closet in another part of the office so they can refurbish the office you are in and even though that sucks they said you could leave your plants in your old office and later at Trader Joe's the checker compliments your bag which you insist on calling your "Mary Poppins bag" to which she responds your bag is too cool to be a Mary Poppins bag to which you respond Mary Poppins' bag was way cool because it was magic and the world needs more magic and the checker responds that you are funny to which you reply "You are right, I am funny" and on your walk home you stop to take a video of a bunch of ants carrying a dead bug because 1) it's cool and 2) your daughters will think it' cool and when you get home you start loading the washing machine and realize the clothes you are wearing are dirty so you take them off and add them to the load and after starting the laundry you realize you stink so you shower and after you get out of the shower you realize you're shaking because you are so hungry so you make nachos while naked and when the nachos are done you put on some clothes and instead of reading you watch Nine Inch Nails live performances on YouTube and eat nachos and while watching recent performances you note that Trent Reznor has gotten yoked in the last few years which makes you wonder if he takes steroids and later you share the song Sin with your daughter and you tell her that she will like the song because it has a great dance beat and she confirms it's an awesome song and you decide to iron your work clothes but take a break to text your best friend and ask him if he remembers Troy McClure's PSA "Firecracker, the silent killers" and you laugh out loud for a while because The Simpsons was a brilliant show and before bed you read volume 3 of the graphic novel Copperhead which you never would have discovered had you not been cast off then at some point after you've fallen asleep you have a dream about a real-life woman who is much too young for you and in the dream the two of you kiss and when you wake up you complain to no one "Just kissing? Seriously?" and as you pack your stuff to head to work you listen to Nine Inch Nails and wonder why did you hate Nine Inch Nails in the 90s?

Me neither.

Friends

This is my friend, Gabrielle. We are both summer clerks at the Southern Environmental Law Center. Her classmates at the University of Michigan Law School  call her "the tree girl" because she climbs into trees to study. Gabrielle hand painted geckos on her car. One time she told a group of us that she has a special connection with rabbits.

I took this picture last night while a group of us were on top of the Water Street parking garage. We were encouraged to join a group on the top floor of the garage so we could do some howling. Yes, howling. So we howled. It was fun. I woke up in the middle of the night trying to figure out why my throat was sore. Howling.

I spent my birthday alone. But I didn't, because Gabrielle made me a cake. And she delivered the cake to me along with an orchid that she and the other summer clerks - Drew, Mallory, and Tessa - bought for me. They know I aspire to be good at houseplants. Gabrielle sang me "Happy Birthday" and made me blow out the candles. It was a really wonderful surprise from a surprisingly good friend.

I've made a couple surprising friends in the last year. I have a great friend in school, Rachel, who is, like Gabrielle, literally half my age. Last fall Rachel asked me to be her partner in a couple competitions at the law school. I was flabbergasted and flattered. We did well. Near the end of the semester Rachel listened to me blame myself for what was happening at home. And she helped me develop a really great plan for giving anniversary gifts to the girls' mother. I remember telling her that there was a real possibility that it was my final wedding anniversary.

Gabrielle and Rachel are smart and funny and wise beyond their years. They each helped me navigate the last year. I am very thankful for their friendship and for the friendship and support of everyone who has been here for me.

Gabrielle literally had to run after we finished our howling session because she was taking a red-eye to Detroit in order to interview for a federal clerkship today. 

Yes, she's wearing a dress. And yes, she is running down the ramp rather than going to a stairwell. She's awesome.

Fun Things I See at Work Every Day

I come into work almost an hour before everyone else. I make the first pot of coffee, I change into work clothes, I get amped up for another day of legal grunt work. A couple weekends ago I brought the girls to my office and showed them around. Alice took the opportunity to color the white board on the kitchen refrigerator. Her message must resonate with the staff because it is still on the fridge:

Around 8 every morning I look out my office window to see the booted ladies.

I wonder if they were friends before they got complementary orthopedic boots?

The Sidler, and Other Stuff

Alice has discovered that it is both disconcerting and hilarious to sidle up next to me and wait to be noticed. Alice and I took the dog for a walk on Sunday and she happened to perform the sidle. Here's what her sidle looked like on the walk.

Later on that day Eleanor returned home from an overnight at Anna's house and the three of us watched a documentary about whether the Tasmanian tiger - purported to be extinct since 1933 - is actually still alive. There was a lot of night vision imagery. For some reason Eleanor got scared as hell. Here's what it looks like when Eleanor goes to her little sister for security while watching a nature documentary in the middle of the day.

Lastly, here's a nice picture of Eleanor with her best friend, Anna (in the middle). Last weekend was Anna's birthday and the girls went to the drive in theater to watch the new(ish) Spider man movie. I don't know the person on the right.

Fartface

The girls and I watched Stranger Things 3 last weekend. Yes, we watched the entire season. The first episode brought me great joy when a couple of the characters used the term "Fartface" as an abusive epithet. Fartface - just saying the word warms my soul.

I started calling Eleanor "Fartface." Obviously.

Later I discovered a chip in one of the bowls. Eleanor, who was seated at the kitchen table, explained that the bowl had been chipped for a while. I commented that the chip was going to make her mother angry. At that exact moment Alice walked into the kitchen and asked, "Why is mom going to be mad? Because Fartface chipped a bowl?"

Get That Girl a Dirt Bike

We returned to Panther Falls yesterday in order to swim and cliff jump. Eleanor took 20 minutes to get up the nerve to jump off a 4-foot cliff. Later it took her less than a minute to psych herself up for the big jump Alice did a couple days earlier.

There were several young men at the falls. They were townie types and very nice. After Alice jumped off the big cliff a few times one young man - who sported a powerful, powerful mullet - asked me how old the girls were. I told him and he responded "You watch out for the younger one; she's going to be trouble. You need to get her a dirt bike."

I laughed and agreed with him. When I told him that Eleanor was starting high school he was excited for her. He talked up how fun high school was for him while the two of them were in the cliff jumping line.

It was a nice day. We spent about 3 hours at the falls. Alice was just a bit grumpy that we left but our timing was perfect because as soon as I started the car, it started to rain.

Exploring the Blue Ridge Parkway

A couple weeks ago Alice and I took a hike on a quiet and shady trail just up the road from Buena Vista.

There were lots of cool boulders onto which Alice climbed. She's a great climber.  It was a great hike but we didn't get a lot of views. What we did get was a lot of ticks. 

Yesterday, the girls and Pete and I went to Panther Falls. The falls are about 20 minutes from the house. The falls are a really popular place to swim in the summer. The girls and I didn't bring swimsuits because we were scouting trailheads and places to visit and hike. However, Panther Falls offers the opportunity to cliff jump. I told Alice that we could come back tomorrow ready to swim and jump. Alice did not want to wait an entire day to cliff jump. So she stripped off non-essential clothing and gear and went for it. Her enthusiasm and bravery are two reasons she is the lion.

We are supposed to go back to Panther Falls today. Unfortunately, thunderstorms keep rolling through the valley.

A Request I Did Not Want to Make

I summoned Eleanor to the bathroom because I needed a favor. Before I explain what I needed, let me sketch out a few conversations I would have rather had while in the bathroom with Eleanor.

Preferred Conversation 1: "Eleanor, I can't reach the toilet paper because I got distracted doing the crossword and my legs are asleep. Can you please get me some toilet paper? Thanks."

Preferred Conversation 2: "OK, I bought every kind of tampon they had at Wall-Mart and I've got a YouTube video on how to use tampons queued up on my phone. We can do this."

Preferred Conversation 3: "You have to pee on that end of the stick. There are no false positives."

So here is what actually went down: when Eleanor came into the bathroom my shirt was off and I was bent over the sink. I handed Eleanor the tweezers and said "Do you see those back hairs right below my shoulder blade? I need you to get rid of those."

Welcome MY 48

Our shareholders know that Mattscal Year 47 was rough. Last year's bear market resulted in major leadership changes for Cow Lion Industries' parent company. How "bear" could the market have been last year? Imagine your financial adviser is a bear who ate a diarrhea sandwich. The diarrhea was filled with broken glass. The glass was radioactive. Just before she died, your ursine financial advisor invested all of your money in fidget spinners.

Market conditions last year were completely beyond its control, yet CLI held its own. Fortunately, Cow Lion Industries is poised to achieve and succeed in successful achievement of achievement success for years to come.